最后的。。

云，
我虽不是天才，但我也不是白痴。
我看到你的blog了，其实我早就知它的存在，
我也读到你的新感想，与目标。
我虽然很伤心，但我的心却没想像中的痛。
可能是因为我多少有这个预感，
虽我总任为只要不放弃，我一定还有希望。
但是，算了。。

我唯一无法想通的是
一个曾真心真意爱过的人，
为何能在分手短短的两个月内，
毫无保留的去倒追另外一个人，
而用的台词，尽如此相似。

我不恨你，一点也不
我不爱你了，那就是骗人的。
但是，算了。。

对于你在我们在一起时
所曾付出的爱，与关怀
是真，是假，
我任感激，我任感动

希望你在未来里的感情，事业
都能顺利，如意。
及有情人，终成眷属

不写了，已没意义了
在此，绝笔。。

珍重，
源

为何

就是因为深深爱过
所以才会那么执着

就是因为深深爱过
所以才不能随便说放就放手

就是因为深深爱过
所以才会茶不思，饭不想的日渐消瘦

就是因为深深爱过
所以才会想尽办法想把你挽留

就是因为深深爱过
所以才会分分秒秒满脑子只想着你，念着你

就是因为深深爱过
所以才会如此的后悔，当初为何让你走

就是因为深深爱过
所以才会当思念得太心痛时，眼泪会不由自主的流

也就是因为深深爱过
现在也因如此
所以才会下定决心在这儿一直默默的等候。。


[我送你的东西，你从没去看过，
不然你早就知道这网页了，
为何你要骗我，难道别的男生比我好
我曾经所有的付出，难道是那么微不足道
难道你对我一点感觉,一点怜惜都没有吗
你对我的忽冷忽热，我现在还搞不懂
要怎样做，才能让你知道，你是我要的唯一所有。。]

hurt

why the indifference?
why the cold shoulder?
why treat me worse than a stranger
when we once had moments even the most loving couples envied?

dun u missed the hugs we had?
dun u missed the kisses we had?
dun u missed the walks we had, the meals we had, the movies we had, the celebrations we had, and all the memories we had?

you said u feared that every conversation/contact we had is for a motive.
YES! i must admit! all is with motives..
motive to sincerely know how you've been
motive to sincerely care for you when you're ill
motive to sincerely ask you to rest early as you had a tired day and you're working tml
motive to sincerely remind you to drink more water as you became too "heaty" frm all the late nightouts with all your new frens

of coz i want you back
of coz my door is always open for you, no matter wat, anytime
of coz im still trying to earn permissions to love you, and you to love me again
of coz i still wish we can be back together and spend our eternity as one too

but, think abt it, ain't all of the above same as wat i did when we were together?
i promised i'll never pressure you, and i'll try my best to hold tat promise.
my chance may get slimer as time passes, but to wait patiently is all i can do, isn't it...

胡思。。乱想

‘我知道眼泪多余
但，我还是流了’

‘得笑，虽不容易
但，我还是尽量笑了’

‘一切很难，
特别是只能面对
回忆和空气’

‘多半的自言自语
只是用来安慰自己’

‘白天，脑海里全都是你
夜里，只望在梦里相遇’

你

感动，你无条件的爱与付出
感激，你无止境的忍耐和关怀
懊悔，没好好的珍惜那段时光
心痛，让心疼的你心痛
盼望，能续未走完的路
等待，真的会有结果吗
思恋，因为有情，
一切，只因有你，爱你，是你。。


‘如果说 你还是爱着我
让我俩再从头
(好吗)
我会好好的把握
(真的)
因为你是我 一生最爱的人
我真的舍不得 看着你 让你走’

真心話

雲﹐
我是真的很愛你。你是知道的。
我知道我的錯了。對不起﹐ 我真的很懊悔。。
沒有你的日子﹐ 我真的很難過﹐ 每一天像十年那麼久。
無時無刻只想著你﹐ 你﹐ 你。。
讓我們從新開始﹐把一切的不開心都丟掉﹐好嗎
我虧欠你太多了。。
讓我用我的下半輩子來祢补
給我這個幾會﹐ 好嗎。。

自我

她﹐對我說﹕ 一個人﹐只要能放下’自我‘
就能看開一切﹐原諒一切。

但是﹐當你決定離開我時﹐
我已迷失了自我﹐
我已失去了自我。。

只應﹐
你﹐就是我。

要如何﹐才能找回﹐
這個’自我‘呢。。

countdown

the feelings had never changed...
the love is still there...
but a timeline must still be imposed soon...
for im getting too weary and tired
from lack of sleep and concentration...
making myself busy, entertaining pple
and pple entertaining me
yes, i do feel much better during those times
but what happens when im alone and nite slowly crept in

im back to thinking about you again..
my heart become empty again

yes, a timeline must be imposed
but the thought of losing you forever
stopped me from doing so again and again..

self-imposed torture?
i supposed so
mentally, im drying up
slowly..slowly...

~*~ realisation ~*~

its been so long since we've met, nor spoke to each other
wonder how you are, wonder how you've been
how is your job? how are your parents?

are you taking good care of yourself?
are you sleeping well these days?

so how do you find your new frens? are they good?
do you still get in touch with your old ones? anyone i know?

who are you missing right now?
has anyone touched your heart yet?

am i waiting in vain?
or am i still holding on to the one and only key?

through my own limited ways,
i found out so much more than i heard from you
u ask for privacy, thats wat u get
so many pple u misses, but they are never me

but i am the ar*ehole
im the one who allowed all this
im the one who caused all this

if you'd enough of your fun
if you'd enough of thinking
please, please stop the torturing

if its the end, please tell me
if its not, dont keep me waiting

you dont know how much im hurting
it might be much worse than yours then
dont let my love turn into hatred
for if it is, i fear it'll be forever




and the most important is,
i will never want to hate you.
i never do..

picture speaks a thousand words

::[assumption]::

i thought i had grown stronger
i thought i had got over

been making myself busy and
finding solaces in friends and acquaintances

drunk, sometimes
so as to sleep better

smoke, more frequently
to numb my brain and heart

knew its bad
will cut down, in time

i thought i had grown stronger
i thought i had got over

everything shows
i somehow succeeded, in some ways

even when alone
i've gotten better, in some ways

but a sms came,
followed by a mms,
followed by a msn chat,
brought everything back

i hadn't got over, at all
i grew weaker, again

i acted cool, as promised
i acted cold, as a result

im sorry, truly i am
i assume you wanted it this way
am i wrong again?

so, wanted to say i miss you
so, wanted to say i love you

i withheld, i controlled
i assume you wanted it this way
or am i wrong again?

but now, i can at least affirm
you have all the freedom you wanted
you have all the time you wanted

there's no one who will hinder you
there's no one who will show jealousy
at least
you will not see it in me

so go, choose the route you wanted
go, enjoy the life you wanted
pursue your happiness
with or without me
doesn't matter at all

or, am i wrong again?



*Good night*

..msn title..

u said:"~only he who holds the key can unlock my heart~"
i replied:"~pls tel me im still holdin it.. pls tel me i'd never lost it. i swear i'll hold it dearly, and placed it in my heart ever closely~"

u said:"wil you ever wanna hold the key. to unlock my heart?"
i replied:"YES, i do, YES"

but.. are these msn titles meant for me?...

"How are you?"

are sent instead of "Im thinking of you"

"Take care"
instead of "I Love You"

"Drink more water"
instead of "I miss you"..

Why must I hold back my innermost feeling..
and msg like a normal fren..
Why..

And now I cant even sms/call at all
for fear of disturbing her..
Why..

My Valentine

If there were no words, no way to speak, I would still hear you
If there were no tears, no way to feel inside, I'd still feel you

And even if the sun refused to shine,
Even if romance ran out of rhyme,
You would still have my heart until the end of time
You're all I need, my love, my valentine

All of my life I have been waiting for all you give to me
You've opened my eyes and shown me how to love unselfishly

I've dreamed of this a thousand times before
In my dreams I couldn't love you more
I will give you my heart until the end of time
You're all I need, my love, my valentine

*Darling, you said u needed time,
and that is what i respect and what i gave,
but never once had i stopped thinking of you,
never once i stop yearning to contact you.

Even though i might be taking a big risk,
even though i might be really losing you in the end,
i will wait, willingly wait.

Waiting for you to come back,
wating for you to take me in again.

Meanwhile i will make myself a better man,
someone who can provide you happiness,
someone worthy of you.

I'd learnt my mistake, and i'll never do it again,
all i need is to be given your understanding,
and your forgiveness.
And another chance,
to amend, and to cherish you.

Had trust in me,
as what i had in you.
For you are my only love,
my only
Valentine.*

I love you

I love you because you make me happy
I love your smile
I love the way you call me "BB"
I love the look in your eyes when you tell me you love me

And how you laugh at me when I do something stupid, when others would put
me down.
I love the fact that when I'm around you I can be myself and not worry
about what you may think of me, because I know you love me for who I am.
No matter what my faults may be.

I love being able to wake up with you by my side... It makes my days
better
At night I love watching you sleep, hearing you take each breath, and
feeling your heart beat with the palm of my hand... reality hits that you
are not a dream YOU ARE MINE.

I love the way you wrap your arms around me and hold me really tight, like
there is no tomorrow
And I love the way I feel when your lips barely touch mine for a kiss, the
love and emotions that go through me at that moment are unexplainable.

I love your laugh
I love hearing your voice
I love your making that signature funny face
it gets me everytime.

I love that you get along with my family and friend, no matter how much
you dislike them, or who they are.
And hearing you tell me your stories, you could tell them to me a thousand
times, and I will never get tired of them, because they are a part of you.

But the main reason I love you is because.....

You are you!

Cheer Up! for the greater good

enough about all the grieveness and sadness..
its not gonna help things, instead it might make matter worse

why am i so captivated by this lady?
'cause i loved her then, i love her now
but what do i love about you?

Your eyes
which held me mersmerised
where I stood.

Your smile
to dazzle the sun
and warm every corner of my soul.

Your laughter
so carefree in front of me but shy in front of others
with no bars held between us.

Your voice
like a sparkling mountain stream
which flows into my heart.

Your walk
though at times loud
but always knowing you're just steps away from me.

Your hair
about which I dreamed
cascading into my face
as you leaned over me.

Your hands
whose caress I crave
to hold my face
in their tenderness.

Your arms
I long to have around me
as you pull me close
to your warmth.

Your hug
so soft, yet so tight
make me felt so loved

Your kiss
implanting love into me
everytime our lips touched

Your attitude
towards life, towards us
towards once where our future were

Most of all
everything you are
changed the way I feel about my life.

I love you.

...

and why do i keep harpering on her?
'cause we been through so many things together..
i really hope we can be one forever..

all started with a hi,
exchanging of numbers,
talking on fone fer hours,
memories at airport,
setting kiosk at MarinaSouth
sending and fetching her from work in so many places
at PS, Bugis, Roxy,
to selling tarts to current now
we watched so much movies, we ate so many jap
the stubs and receipts kept already filled the container
pictures took quarterly faithfully
to stamp the happy times spend with each other
her staying over
fond moments together
me saying hi to her parents
she saying hi to mine
me having meals with her parents
and she having meals with mine
she even cooked for the 1st time for me
i bought a ger a ring the 1st time for her
the valentines, birthdays, festive seasons spent together
the overseas trainings endured and survived 'cause of her
as with her in my mind and knowing me in hers, i felt so alive

this route shd not have end, its shouldn't at all

*Ger, Dear, Darling, Love, if you see this, please give me a call..*

..wo hao siang ni wor..

*so wanted to call or sms you
but i kept my cool*

*so hard to hold back
but i know its for the best..*

*i must be strong
in order to earn a chance to win you back*

*have to be mature lo..
if not, im not even worth your love..*

*to be a better man
i will be*

*you're my Eve
and i hope to be your Adam*

*i know i hurt you badly
pls let me made it up to you*

*allow me to think of you
allow me to care for you
allow me to chat with you
allow me to worry about you
and lastly,
allow me to share all your woes and happiness
with you*

*pls tell me what shd i do to save this r/s,
without "fan"-ing you at all..*

*so misses you*

since....?

all this while, these thoughts kept popping into my head every now and then..:

since when, did we get so distant?
since when, did my care for you become so insignificant?
since when, did you start getting so close with other people?
since when, did all your care for me being directed to someone else?
since when, did you decide to treat me like a stranger?
since when, did you decide to stop contacting me unless i call you?
since when, did you start going to other guy's house ever so often and thinking its no big deal?
since when, did you get so agitated everytime i tried to strike a conversation?
since when, did you start enjoying other people's company but never mine?
since....?

since when, did i get really scared to lose you forever?
since when, did i get so fanatic and tried to know everything you did?
since when, did i lost control of myself and keep bugging you even though i know it'll backfire?
since when, did i lost my appetite and puke everytime i tried to eat?
since when, did i lost my sleep and when i finally did, my eyes were all watery?
since when, did alcohol substitute the water i drink, and smoke substitute the air i breathe?
since when, did my heart hurt so bad, it really hurts, everytime i miss and think of you?
since when, did i finally realise you are actually the one i wanted all my life
and also the one i wanted to spend the rest of it with?
since....?

i think i have the answers on my side, can you please.. please tell me yours?

time

time, is such a incredible thing
its like a endless tunnel

in it, we found each other
in it, we found love
with each other
in it, we lost ourselves
in each other
in it, we lost our mind
over each other

we had trust
we had faith
we believed we would be together forever
we showed anger
we throw tantrums
we hurt each other
without considering any consequences

but now i seemed to have lost you
but you'd never lost me
i think we have only just drift to different direction
in this endless tunnel

as i said, its an incredible thing
it can heal anything
pertaining to matters of the heart
it can cure anything
no matter how serious it is
or so you thought it is..

it too can cool all anger
no matter how flared you felt towards then
it too can make a person realise
how foolish the things he had done
when he was insane

i will let go
i must
i will get over it
i must
for the sake of you
and for the sake of me

but that doesn't mean i give up
that doesn't mean i lost hope
i will still wait wholeheartedly
as i always said, and i always believed
"end of the day, you'll come back"

i believed the true love between us
i believed the passion in each of us
i believed the wait will be fruitful
one day we will be back together
somehow, someday

*i had just went through all the pictures/gifts/letters again..
so much memories flashed past me,
only realise what a fool i'd been,
to tarnish such a good r/s
to hurt someone who gave me all her heart

you gave in to me so much, so much
and all i did is scarring your heart..
i hurt you too deep, im sorry
i really wish to be back with you again, i really do
i want to marry you, i really do too

but no matter what decision u made
however cruel, or not, i'll respect it

if its good, i swear i never let you down again
i'll never let u face anything alone again..
but if its not,
the love, care, and concern will still carry on and never cease
and i will give you my blessings and move on..

我只想你好。。

just remember, if ever,ever u need me,
ever
i will be there, not far away,
always will be*

*puke*

its been a long time since i had a meal..
tot of trying to have a proper lunch,
even though of no appetite, i tried..
in the end wateva i had, i puked out!..
why did this happened?..

*do you know? do you care?*

*oni wanted to hear ur voice and see u smile,
you know it'll keep me going,
not the feeling that im a nuisance, and seeing me is like chore..
why the distance imposed?
why the stranger's attitute?..
am i the only being treated this way?*

*ahbert misses you alot.. so does the father..*

when

.. when will this memory be revived ..
.. when can the future past replace the present ill ..

凌晨三点钟

这是你离开的第三个星期六
面包我吃了两口　啤酒还剩半手
香烟我还是一包接一包地抽
你搬走了以后
我还会常常在你住的公寓底下
等你下楼

现在是凌晨三点钟　喝了点酒头有点痛
寂寞的烟点燃空虚的夜　暂时把心放空
你晾的床单忘了收　没烫的衬衫有点皱
明天开始我将如何面对　没有你的以后
那些美好的画面反复在播送
但心破碎了之后　要怎么去拼凑

Baby Baby Love can be so beautiful
只怪那一刻　话说得太重
所有的情节都失控

Baby Baby Love should be so beautiful
你给的太多　现在我才懂
只有烟和酒陪伴的　凌晨三点钟

凌乱的房间里头还留著你的香味
怎么也戒不掉你独特的笑容
如果时钟倒著走　我不会再让你走
有些事情要绝望到底才能看得透


*heard pple sang this in a pub..
omg.. never tot a song can describe my current situation
so almost perfectly..
no worries, wat i promised i will fulfil,
i will climb up myself and awaits patiently..*

至少还有你

我怕来不及 我要抱着你
直到感觉你的皱纹 有了岁月的痕迹
直到肯定你是真的 直到失去力气
为了你 我愿意 动也不能动
也要看着你 直到感觉你的发线
有了白雪的痕迹 直到视线变得模糊
直到不能呼吸 让我们 形影不离
如果 全部世界我也可以放弃
至少还有你 值得我去珍惜
而你在这里 就是生命的奇迹
也许 全世界我也可以忘记
就是不愿意 失去你的消息
你掌心的志 我总记得在那里
我们好不容易 我们身不由已
我怕时间太快 不够将你看仔细
我怕时间太慢 日夜担心失去你
恨不得一夜之间白头 永不分离...

*its never my intention to imply pressure,
i know its not the way..
all i can do is only wait..
waiting for u to come back someday..*

after intoxication.. and others

u r the only one i ever showed my weakest side
u r the only one i really planned to start a family with
u r the only one i really cant lose
u r the only one i willingly spend all my effort in
u r the only one i wan to really be selfish and keep by my side
u r the only one i imagined growing old with
u r the only one i even bought a ring for
u r the only one i lost control of myself and do silly things even though i know i shouldn't
u r MY only one..



im really regretful in all the wrong things i'd done and all the wrong decisions i'd made..
i really wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, to take care of you, to love you..

think of all the happiness we went through, think of all the hardship we pulled through to be together..

so pls,pls search your heart, if you had even the slightest feel for me,
pls do give me another chance,
i swear i'll make it good,
i swear i'll do everything by your book.
and i'll never make you sad and blue,
for this i can assure you..

~pls tel me im stil holdin it.. pls tel me i'd nvr lost it. i swear i'll hold it dearly, and placed it in my heart ever closely~
..let me be the key to unlock your heart..

..2nd tear..

saw her on msn.. and tried to strike a conversation..

=======
s0tz says:
hello

s0tz says:
bz?

Venesa™ says:
sorry ger sleep already. pls do not sent her any msgs as i will be using the computer thru the night. Thanks.

s0tz says:
jason?

Venesa™ says:
im not. Who are u?

Venesa™ says:
you find her for what?

Venesa™ says:
I let her know tomolo.

s0tz says:
im sry

s0tz says:
u r?

Venesa™ says:
im her friend

s0tz says:
brian here :)

s0tz says:
care to intro?

Venesa™ says:
ok i will let her know.

s0tz says:
??

Venesa™ says:
don't think there's a need to intro. I need to do my work now. I will tell ger that you looking for her tomolo mornin.

s0tz says:
i noe who u r, i wan to thank you for taking of her and there for her when she's really down

s0tz says:
dun forget her working time tml. thanks.

Venesa™ says:
Im not interested in who you really are and you need no thank me for anything. Its my responsibility to take good care of her. Good Bye & stop msging. Thanks
=======

what is she doing in his house?? am i giving her to him just like tt?? am i losing her just like tt?? is our love ever so fragile and weak?? pls tell me its not happening... for the 1st time my heart hurts so much, it realli hurts
.. and for the 1st time ever since i tot i grew strong, i realli cried..

..1st drop of tear in years..

a song.. so true..

Heaven knows - Rick Price

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up till
I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know

And though she's far away
It just keeps gettin stronger
everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me where do I start
Cause it breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our heart will
Find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

My friends keep tellin me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in kind
In know she's mine
So tell me where do I start
Cause it breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our heart will
Find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair
'Cause wide oway or
Dreaming
I know she's never there
And all this time I act so brave
I'm shaking inside
Why it does hurt me so

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our heart will
Find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our heart will
Find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows
Heaven knows.....


and tats when it dropped..

To: her

i wan to hold ur hand
i wan to love u again
i wan to grow old with you
and hopefully start a family of youths

so pls tell me you're still true
pls tell me the sky is still blue

i swear i'll never break your heart
and forever cherish you like a piece of art


-fully regret.. pls take me back

it hurts so much to see you..

Tired of times we spend together
Tired of me you grow
Tired of being tired in time
No feelings will you show

But in time as your thoughts are even
Will I be thought of only as your pawn
And will you be happy or sad
When I’m finally gone? ..

At night..

At night
At night I lay and think of you hoping my wishes and dreams come true
At night I wonder can this be the end is this all that's left
At night I wish we could go to the way things were
At night I lay and cry about the things that happened and how it all ended
At night I lay and think of us, I mean you and I
At night I realize there's no more us
At night I dream of us together again
At night I wish for us to be together again
But in the morning I realize it was all
At Night

::consolation sms::

a fren send me this:

你们明明是相爱的，请别伤害对方，爱不可让。如果你想让你爱的人幸福，那么只有你知道他要什么、你来配合，永远都守护他身边, 给他你所有的爱, 他才会幸福呀! 不是让他自己一个人走, 让他自己去寻找。你只在莫莫的祝福。这样他就会幸福吗？你们要深信只有你们相爱才能让对方幸福。真爱难求。别那么容易放弃，生命只有那么一次。天下无难事，只怕有心人。

i DO wan her back, i DO wan to be a selfish jerk and made her stay by my side for the rest of life.. but would she realli be happy? if she's not, thn how would i?

aniwae, this fren of mine juz ended her r/s nt long too.. and it was me who was consoling her throughout.. now the table turned..

results

guess wad? she agreed to the dinner~ ^O^

the dinner was so-so.. stupid sakae, u sux! she talked most of the time.. revolving mostly ard her work.. i like to hear her voice, even though sometimes she did talk abt guys she admired and others whom i once felt ultimately jealous over.. though uneasy, i did try to maintain my composure.. afterwhich i sent her home, where i stayed awhile and carry on our conversation.. all along my focus was on her, trying hard to capture all her movement/gesture/expression/words in my mind.. i missed her so much... how come its oni after the end thn i realised i had loved her more than i imagined??..

for all i know, this might be the last dinner between us..

..she did look tired, hope she realli take care of herself..

shd i? shd i not?

i missed her badly, today is a special day between us.. which made me even more yearn to see her... was thinkin of asking her out fer dinner.. shd i? shd i not? wouldn't it be better if we (i) cool 1st? would it hurt if i juz give it a try?...

Argh~~here goes nuthin~~

foolish me..

omg.. now thn i realised wat a fool i am.. i had destroyed a wonderful r/s, which could have last a lifetime ,single-handedly.. i had hurt the person, who might loved me the most, until the sky would not lit animore... and all this realisation oni came when things will never be the same again.. like a broken mirror can never be mended.. with each sharp end cutting into my heart for each hurt i caused her...i noe i shd let her go, i noe i shd set her free.. by biting tight would oni caused more harm and its not even helping things.. i noe we shd move on, i noe.. but the folly and immature me oni made things worse.. why? why? why have i become so mindless, so muddle?? all along i believe a true r/s shd be built on mutual trust and together have mutual growth, oni thn will it be a healthy and long r/s... why did i do all those foolish stuff... i caused too much hurt.. am i even worth loving her?..

1st entree

velcum to my blog.. this is my 1st entree and im already loss of words = ="
so mani things in my life these few weeks, i.e. some1 close (nt related by blood) died, lost another person who's dear to me (dun ask me why).. the effect is so big that i cant even concentrate on my work and i couldn't slp til 4+am every night... hai..

aniwae, dun think ani1 wld care lol